Depths of Disappointment

When bland, pure, indomitable disappointment strikes your every senses you do not need to go to any far recesses of your consciousness to realize how utterly paralyzing it grasps all of your being and leaves you depleted.

Effects of dismay, incoherence and failure to understand what is happening expand grotesquely when the source of your dejection is a loved person too close to allow for brain and soul to brush off and forgive.

What dispirits and fazes me is the enlightenment that a particular individual (flesh and bones, hairs on nose) holds such stupefying power over me! A single sentence uttered amiss our conversational field or the guilty silence as reply to a poignant question.. Truly terrifying a discovery.

Once you’ve delved into the marshy mud of disappointment it becomes increasingly more difficult to pull yourself out of the suffering and stranded pain, as the bleakness of the shock keeps hammering back, like the dark waves of an enraged, soundless sea lacerating the coastline in never-ending, throbbing slashes.

What remains when you believe you have become incapable of any feeling, what time forgets on your heart’s doorstep as is rushes along, is sheer, overpowering sadness.

high-resolution-quality-black-and-white-sea-waves_601953Image source : http://goo.gl/BRBlyf

 

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Relationship P.S.

No, those were no butterflies in my stomach when I was in love with you; those were bad-ass dragons, biting off tiny bits of flesh from my heart. They left me bleeding and sore, but they enjoyed a flamingly exciting life inside me. When they passed away, they burned a little hole in one of my lungs. I know this for, now, when I breathe, I always have trouble taking in the air that no longer contains your presence.

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failed attempt

How do you prove a friend that he is not alone? How do you show him that he is not alone? You are not there to hold his hand. You are here, writing a letter and saying (weeks after the tragedy has happened) that he should imagine your hand on his shoulder, his head resting in your lap. How do you persuade him that he is not alone when you yourself feel lonelier than ever? When you are wrapped in your own lonesomeness so tight that you can hardly move or breathe? How do you prove that there is a heart-to-heart closeness when you are countries and years away? Your news reach the friend too late, his happy moments have long gone when your congratulations reach him.

You go for the extreme. You try telepathy. You burn candles, impose rhythms and tempos to your breathing, you focus, chant, meditate, curl up in aching positions and lose sleep – hoping it is not in vain.

The result reaches you when you’ve almost forgotten everything you did that strange night: your friend dreamt that you fell in a dark pit, bumped your head, broke a leg, but a pack of wolves brought you bleeding and trembling to his house. You were washed and tended to and when you recovered from your convalescence, you gave a smile and produced a perfectly white lion’s foot from your dirty, smelly backpack. The friend woke up worried that you might be sick and in need of help, but then calmed down remembering the wolves. Salvation is near. He never once imagined all the fuss was meant to make him feel better. Your friend never got the proper message. At least, he didn’t fret needlessly, you think, folding the late-arrived letter and going to bed without a thought, without a second thought.

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to be informed

What changes when you know that he is about to depart?

The lack of surprise, the absence of bewilderment when he leaves.

What remains the same?

The sadness, the confused notion of future, the feeling of loneliness,

the tremors and the whispers – everything that was left unsaid

still pounds on all sides of your heart.

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A brave heart is all you need

Jerry Fletcher: I love you.

Alice: Jerry, no, no, you don’t love me.

Jerry Fletcher: Sure I do.

Alice: No, no.

Jerry Fletcher: I don’t?

[ Conspiracy Theory ]

Sometimes, when enough people tell you something about yourself, you start wondering if it’s only you who’s got it all wrong. There’s a Romanian saying that goes ‘When two people tell you that you’re drunk, you shut up and go to sleep.’. Perhaps the same thing applies to other situation as well, right? When too many people tell you that you’re wrong, that you fail to see things the way they really are, where do you go from there?!

When you are told to apologise for a mistake you consider never to have made, when you are silenced by the over-ranking ones and told you must submit, what do you do? Bend your head and mutter to yourself that there will come a day when…….. I believe in standing up for yourself and for the truth. I’ve made no mistake. I’ve stuck to the rules. I’ve been fair. If someone says otherwise, than let’s talk evidence. People will lower their voices and find themselves at a loss when faced with ferm refusal. People in a higher position always expect submission. They are usually astonished when talked back or debated. As long as powerful, logical and testable arguments are brought, I belive in making your point and standing by your beliefs.

I hereby urge and encourage employees who find it difficult to stand up to their superiors to empower themselves by trusting their judgments, instincts and their credos. It’s not the truth that shall set you free. It’s respect for yourself that helps you look chin-up in the mirror. It’s a proper stance that keeps you rock-solid and dignified.

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Personal accomplishments on the 7th of September

There are certain things I haven’t done in about 20 years. 20 years. Round number. Not terrifying. It doesn’t sound like an eternity. But when you are a child at heart 20 years is more than eternity. It’s forever 🙂 Children do not grasp the concept of eternity. But they no use the two never and ever quite a lot, with a personal certainty that they are more than aware of their meanings.

Yesterday, however, I returned to being a kid. Twice in a single day. A bit too much, maybe, but it was AWESOME !! I kept singing to myself It’s a kind of magic, magic… 🙂

First, I climbed up a tiny wooden staircase and watched out not to get my head hurt by bumping into the plastic cover of the playground slide and then squeezed into the yellow plastic slide and let myself fly downwards.. It wasn’t quite as thrilling.. I wasn’t litterally flying, but the fact that I managed to fit into that narrow slide and get down `the proper way` made me feel pround and silly at the same time. It was a wonderful feeling and I’m not ready to let go of that exquisite feeling of… King of the woooorld !!! 🙂

The second wild card of the day was my getting on and riding a bike. Sounds like a joke, but I’ve been too afraid to even try sitting on one that wasn’t pinned to the ground and linked to a heartbeat monitor for tens of years. Yesterday I plucked up all the courage I could muster and even pedalled my way ahead – in huge winding and yelling mode – for 10-30 meters. The vastness of my emotion exploded after I was back on the ground, walking side by side with my two-year-old – I realised in a sudden, brusque heart flutter that I was exaggerately proud of myself. 

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

I was there. The one that had been ON the bike was now OFF, safely and cheerfully. Best evening in a very very long time! 🙂

 

PS > Smiles and laughs are welcome; no mocking commentaries shall be erased. 🙂

 

ImageImage source : http://goo.gl/tOCfjC

 

Courage

Lipstick

Covers and reveals

the old, the new,

reality , illusion ~

Embellish and transform.

When the colour wears out,

truth is revealed.

The self in the mirror.

Heart held in the palms of your loved one:

to be kept or thrown away.

Take the risk, leave the lipstick at home for one day.

Tests of durability.

and life goes on

and on and on