non-awkward silence

Some people say I keep too much to myself. Some people say I am too bold. Some say I am talkative and flirty. Some people say I don’t like people-company.

I have studied myself long enough to know that I can be all of those and much more. 

I have recently asked myself when it is that I stay calmly silent, without feeling the need to chat, to smile or to produce language for the ones around. I have asked myself what it is that allows me to feel comfortable while walking or sitting next to someone in spite of the fact that no word passes between our lips.

Lack of responsibility, lack of expectations, lack of need to perform, lack of pressure to entertain. This is the reply that I formulated to myself. When I do not feel responsible for the conversation, when I am simply away in my mind. When I don’t feel the others’ ears fretting over what I might say next, when I feel that the person next to me does not expect me to be a talking human. When I do not need to exhibit anything, when I do not feel compelled to prove, to confirm or deny whatever is being said or whatever goes on around us. When I feel at ease, when I feel comfortable with the other person and when I do not have reasons to act as the entertainer, trying to think up new jokes or bring back flashy news from the recesses of my memory, when I do not assume a role. When I just am. When I am accepted and when I sense no invisible question marks.

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